I fell In love with him fast, and back out slow. I used to feel everything for him, but now I feel nothing at all, and that’s how I know it’s over.

Was it the screaming matches? The door slamming? The name calling? The way he tore his ring off his finger and lunged at me as I cowered in the corner, paralyzed with fear and feeling so, so small?

“You dumb bitch.”

“You’re such a cunt.”

“You made do this.”

“You have to know I’d never actually hit you.”

My forever no longer has him in it, but it felt so certain once upon a time. I don’t even know if I miss it – believing that we were soulmates, destined to be together. Maybe I never truly did.

It started with a lie and it ended with many more. Can trust be lost if it was never built? For 5 years we lived alongside each other, digging a moat around ourselves instead of a building a bridge, and I wonder if I ever truly knew him at all. I wonder if he ever knew me.

I don’t know me anymore. I lost myself long ago trying to give him everything he ever wanted and calling it “love.” I locked my voice up and ignored its screams and pleads to speak up. It was just easier that way – wanting what he wanted and letting him drive. Self-exploration scared me. I didn’t know that I was entitled to it.

Until I woke up.

I started looking at my life and hating what I saw. I was haggard, deflated. Uninspired and unfulfilled. Bored. Stuck. I missed me.

He said he did too, but when pieces of myself were bold enough to come out, they were beaten down. He discouraged my development, stalled my progress and convinced me that I didn’t need it. I had him to do it all for me. And that was love.

I miss wearing bows in my hair and speaking my mind. I miss writing and reading and thinking I know everything because I write and read so much. I miss ABBA. I miss driving my car.

I left the first house I’ve ever owned. The one that I failed to turn into a home. There was no peace left, no love. The air was heavy with resentment, fear, and mistrust. He didn’t feel like home anymore, and I was exhausted from protecting myself.

I had to run. I had to run.

-M.