Tag: self improvement

Rejuvenescence

MissMLeave a comment

Move over Demi Lovato, because it is I who is mastering the art of starting over.

2024 was hopefully the ugliest year I’ll have in a while. Heartbreak and Hurricane Helene shook me hard enough to finally change my situation. I’m no longer stuck. No longer restricted, afraid, small, or self-depreciating. Y’know what they say about hitting rock bottom? Well I’ve licked my wounds, brushed myself off, and am standing on my own two feet for the first time in too long.

I’m gliding into the new year with a renewed sense of self, and I’m so relieved that the Real M is still in there. I’m writing this post in my very own space, sitting on my very own pink couch, next to my beloved Doodle, whom I get to parent exactly how I want to from now on. I am safe. I am centered. I am at peace.

This is the year that I start living my life on *my* terms. The year I stop making accommodations and negotiations that conflict with my needs, desires, and goals. I spent my 20’s in a perpetual state of believing that I was unworthy and unlovable if I didn’t become who everyone else wanted me to be. I said yes to things my soul desperately tried to reject, and vice versa.

I’m not a wife, as it turns out. And I’m not meant to live thousands of miles away from my mama. I’m not one to stay stagnant in my professional endeavors because where I’m at is “good enough.” I’m not a small town girl. And all of that is perfectly acceptable, respectable, and authentic.

If I’m not those things though, then what am I?

I’m an autonomous individual first and foremost, which is a concept that is still being absorbed in my not-so-plastic brain. I have had to fight myself from asking someone, anyone, for reassurance or validation in my decisions over the past several months. From whether to leave my East Coast life, to which townhome to live in, to whether I should get a tubal ligation, to whether I purchased too much pink decor for the Barbie Dreamhouse my soul desires. As excruciating as it was, I didn’t ask a damn person for their opinion. And I’m not accepting unwarranted input, either.

I am the architect of my day now. I wake up every morning full of excitement and optimism for what the day will hold. I emerge from my sleeping quarters as early as I want to and nobody makes me feel guilty for not being around when they wake up. I go to the gym at a time that works best for my schedule and I give my Doodle treats and loves and games freely and nobody lectures on how inadequate my parenting is. I work hard and sometimes I work late, because the investment pays off, both literally and in my own sense of fulfillment. And nobody accuses me of neglecting my family for doing so.

I go to events by myself and am not required to be at any particular meeting spot at any particular time. Nobody unfoundedly accuses me of running off to cheat or flirt with other men. I can’t cheat anyway, because I’m not committed to anyone but me. The only infidelity I’m capable of is not honoring my authentic self. I don’t apologize for things that don’t warrant an apology. All of this freedom is intoxicating.

I can’t tell you in concrete terms where my life is headed from here. I have an overwhelming case of decision-paralysis. The dust is still settling and I’m still in the market for a therapist that can hopefully help me integrate all of these unresolved wounds and shortcomings into a healthy, balanced woman who knows what she wants and how to get it. I’m ready to be that woman.

M.

Dogged

MissM2 Comments

2014 is finally coming to a close. This year, in my life, anyway, can be described best as the Bella Swan year. And by that, I mean, I spent most of it whining about how badly my life sucked and did virtually nothing to make it suck less. Actually, if anything, I probably made it worse for myself.

I think that the whole “New Year, New Me” theme that we have going on with the conclusion of a calendar year is sappy and a bit lame, but my own little rebirth just so happens to be going on at the same time everybody else is vowing to go on the photosynthesis diet, or spend less than they earn and put it in a savings account to be binge-spent later.

I have a resolution or two for myself that I will be implementing in the immediate future. No “one last donut, and then i’ll start my diet” mindset for me. I’m gonna get a little sappy up in here, and drop a bunch of cliche’s that cause me to face-palm myself hard in public, but without further ado, here are my resolutions.

1. Get Back On the Straight and Narrow

I’ve mentioned before that I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. However, ever since I graduated high school and was relieved of any sort of familial pressure to attend my church meetings, I have become rather inactive. My conflicting personal beliefs (i.e. feminism) mix with my church’s beliefs like oil and water, so needless to say, attending church leaves me with the bad taste in my mouth that is internal conflict. I’m not excusing my lack of church attendance, rather, I amd simply explaining my thought processes.

I resolve this day to begin regularly attending my church meetings, as my job permits, and even though it begins at 9:00 AM. If I ever find myself in a discussion in which I find offensive, oppressive, or simply disagree with, I will do one of three things:

  • 1. I will raise my hand and vocalize my opposing opinions, regardless of what others might think.
  • 2. I will reverently excuse myself from the meeting and scroll through Pinterest on my phone in the hallway until the next meeting begins, and maintain an open mind for the next meeting.

I am going to focus my thoughts and energies on the aspects of my religion that I do agree with, and strive to follow Christ, which means learning to accept and love those who are and think differently than I do.

2. Self-Tolerence

I have this cute little habit called Perfectionism, and it drains my happiness. It’s no secret that i’ve been seeing a therapist for the past few months to help remedy my slightly self-destructive behaviors, and let me just say, it has done wonders for my mental well-being. My expectations for myself are completely unattainable, and when I inevitably fail to reach said expectations, I am simply merciless. I resolve to accept my shortcomings, and even try embracing them. I am not superhuman, unfortunately. So I will settle for my humanly, flawed, best efforts.

3. No Comparision

One of my favorite quotes in the history of forever is “Comparison is the thief of joy.” I have no idea who said that, but he or she was one deep individual. I am guilty of comparing myself to others, and all that it does for me is make me unhappy with the life I have. I’m not resolving to stop comparing myself to others, as that would be breaking my previous resolution of demanding perfection from myself, but I’m sure as hell going to try my hardest to not let it ruin me.

4. Be Present

Lately, I’ve gotten a lot better at living in the “now” and enjoying life as it is. I’ve stopped wishing away my time, eager to tackle the next task on my pathetic, little agenda. I’m learning to fully immerse my attention into what I am currently doing, and that makes everything seem more enjoyable, even work! Yes, work. In order to continue this upward spiral, I am resolving to immerse myself in my relationships with other people. I’m a people-hater, the type that loves to be alone, selfishly locked away in my room, keeping people, and emotions for people, at bay. This will not be the case any longer! I’m gonna start being a person who people want to be around. So there.

5. Lose the Jiggle. 

Yeah, right! That’s like asking me to bow down to the patriarchy, to which I say, “Over my untoned, dead body!” I do want to get healthier, though, and will begin attending the gym as it fits in with my schedule and mood. I’m already a permanently psycho health-freak anyway, thanks to my good friend Anorexia.

6. Stay True To My Beliefs, and Stay Out of the Defensive Zone

I am very “stuck in my ways” when it comes to things i’m passionate about. Yes, especially feminism. I struggle to give suitors the benefit of the doubt in their courting efforts, and tend to assume the worst out of each one. Hmmm, makes me wonder why i’m single again. Anyway, I’m not changing my beliefs in human equality for anyone, no matter how many abs he has or what kind of car he drives. But I am going to stop looking for reasons to be pissed off by those trying to date me and give people a chance.

So there you have it, my six resolutions for self-improvement.

Have a safe and fun new years eve, people! Do something crazy, and kiss someone attractive.

Cheers!

M.