Last week, I decided it was time for me to move out. So I did. (Well, sort of.) I decided to pack up my Camry with my seasonal belongings and make the 12 minute drive to Oma’s* house and become her brand-new, live-in best friend. Now, i’ve only been here a week, but this week has been the bomb-diggity. (Excuse my informal language.)
Living with her has been awesome because I have this sense of independence that I don’t get at my parents’ house, but also there is always somebody here to help me with my laundry or make Crepes even on a Thursday morning. And also, my favorite aunt lives right next door now, and enjoys taking me to Applebee’s for half-priced appetizers after 9 PM. It’s like the half-step between paternal dependence and complete independence. And that works for me.
However, regardless of the happiness this move has brought me, not all affected by this move walked away without their toes being stepped on. I think I hurt my parents in doing this, and that tears me apart. My dad, and probably one of my closest friends lately, was a little wounded by my choosing to live elsewhere. He told my mom that he felt like he was not a good father for not providing me with an environment that I can flourish in.
My mom is also not exactly happy by this choice of mine. She feels as though I am pushing her away. Geographically, this holds true, but you know what they say- “distance makes the heart grow fonder.” (Or something like that.)
I have an overwhelming burden of guilt for making my parents feel this way. I am more than frustrated that a decision that can make me so happy (or at least, less unhappy) could be seen as a ding to my folks’ parenting skills. My intentions have been entirely misunderstood.
Even though I can’t seem to clear up my reasons for leaving the nest to mom and dad, I am going to clarify them here.
Reason #1: No Curfew.
My Oma works late a lot, and our schedules make it so that we are rarely home at the same time. Since she is so busy working and also being the best Oma in the history of forever, she rarely asks me interrogating questions. Which means I am free to go out and do teenager stuff with the abundance of friends I don’t have at 2 AM. It’s the principle of the thing.
Reason #2: New Environment=removal of temptation to be a girl with an eating disorder.
As silly as it sounds, living in a new house with a different kitchen has helped me start to mend my skewed relationship with food. I haven’t binged yet, and even my thoughts toward myself have improved. I am starting to lose the rigidity of my routines and rituals. This, on its own, is reason enough for me to not live in my house, as it saves me a significant amount of time, grief, and self-loathing.
Reason #3: No more Condescending, Contentious Little Sister
Woah, that was a rather bold and hurtful statement for a Monday morning, eh? Before you start grabbing your virtual pitchforks and picket signs that say “M deserves the ‘Worst Big Sister In The World’ award,” allow me to explain.
My relationship with my darling ‘little’ sister (quotes have been inserted around ‘little’ because my 16-year-old sis has probably 6 inches and 20 pounds on my short, non-athletic frame) is very unstable. We go through brief phases of alliance followed by extended periods of complete and utter hatred and/or avoidance. When we fight, homegirl gets pretty damn condescending and rude, radiating too many negative vibes for my already too negative self to cope with.
I haven’t spoken to her in a month. Not a word, nor an acknowledgement. And she doesn’t seem to mind in the slightest. In fact, I’m not even sure she noticed I even moved out, and that stings. Granted, she’s a self-absorbed Junior whose entire world revolves around herself and her friends, but I just thought that I had a little higher ranking of priority in her life. But you know, it is what it is, and if moving out removes the possibility of yet another heated, estrogen-slathered quarrel, then so be it.
Reason #4: Java
I’m allowed to have a coffee maker here.
So that’s where I’m at right now. Still not making anybody happy with my life choices. Still trying to please everybody. Probably about to move back home to relieve myself of this overwhelming feeling of guilt for hurting the parents. Still on the quest to find the path to lifelong happiness. Still no where close.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I am going to breakfast over crepes with my Oma and gossip about our wacko family.
*Oma: German for Grandma. No, I will not refer to her as my grandma, for she is not. She is my Oma.
3 thoughts on “Misapprehension”
I totally understand and maybe distance is the answer you need. Either way, I wish you the best! I think you are a great person (although I don’t know you personally) and a very smart young lady. I will add pretty in there as well. 🙂 I totally get where you are coming from and hope everything works out for you.
Take care! 🙂
Thank you so much for your thoughtful and insightful comments and for taking the time to read my blog!(: As you’ve read, I am quite the mess and have absolutely no sense of direction at this critical stage in my young-adult life.
I love and adore my parents, and I know that they have literally done all they could to raise me to be a respectable, good person, and that most of my issues and character flaws are self-induced. I truly believe at this point that distance will help me find out who I really want to become, and am actually planning on leaving the state in the near future, at least for a semester or two of school.
Anyway, thanks again for reading, and for your encouraging words(: I love your blog as well and am looking forward to keeping up with it!(:
As you read this, I am hoping you have moved back home with your parents. See, I am a parent and although my children (all boys) are adults now, I know that at times I got on their nerves. I became a single parent by divorce, but I did the best I could raising my sons into responsible and caring human beings (which I believe they are and have been told by others) so, I am pretty proud of that. I think the guilt you were feeling is the fact that you do believe that although your parents get on your nerves at times (who parent doesn’t) they love you and want the best for you and probably don’t want you making the same mistakes they may have made at your age. It is hard being a parent, since the job doesn’t come with any instructions at all. You are just winging it as you go along and hoping you do right by the child. 🙂
As for your sister, I bet she misses you dearly. I don’t have any siblings, but I am sure (from seeing my children bicker) she loves you very much.
I think it is wonderful that you are staying with your oma, and you are blessed to also have her in your life. Not many of us have our grandparents in our lives (like me) and would enjoy to have those wonderful moments you are having with your oma. However, don’t take your oma for granted and use her to as an out for dealing with your parents. That would not be fair to her at all. 🙂 I am not telling you what to do here or trying to preach at you. Yet, you seem like a very smart cookie 🙂 and I think, no I take that back, I know in time you will figure it all out.
In the end of the day, I hope you made a decision that was a smart one and I wish you all the best with school, your parents and your little sister. Most of all Maddisen, I wish you much happiness and success! I love your blog (can’t you tell?) 🙂 Be strong, be positive, be nice and most of all be you! Oh, by the way! No one really knows what they want to be when they grow-up so don’t feel bad about that. Hopefully, I did not step on any of your toes? I don’t know you from the “man in the moon”, but I see lots of great potential in you.